An Ace Up My Sleeve

So, the holidays are over. I haven't posted in a while because I was dealing with some things over the holiday, but now I'm ready to talk about it. At 30 years of age I've never dated, or showed an interest in dating. My family has never pressured me about it, and simply accepted that I have no interest in such things, but over the holidays the question came up whether I ever would be interested in pursuing a relationship. To which my answer was no. Over the last several years I have been coming to terms with the fact that I am probably asexual, but I had never voiced such a thing out loud before. Well, this time I told my family that I officially identify as Ace. They had questions, of course, but ultimately accepted it.

Lets face it, after thirty years without showing any interest in a relationship, it wasn't a particularly big shock.

There was one question, however, that I struggled to answer. I write gay erotica, and I'm about to officially publish my first book. My family is also aware of this, and were curious how an Ace female could write (and successfully publish) gay M/M erotica. I'll admit, I was stumped to answer this question. Its something that has always made sense in my mind, but I've never had to put it into words before. I have no issue with the concept of sex, and in fact I find it strange when I story will go into detail about every other aspect of a character's life, but skip over sex scenes as if there is something shameful or unnatural about them. I've always enjoyed reading stories that include the sex scenes the same way they include everything else about the character's life, and I started to wonder if this meant there was something wrong with me - if the personal identity I thought I had found was wrong.

Was I actually Ace?

Looking it up, I couldn't find any specific Ace authors who write erotica (I'm open to suggestions) however I did find some answers in comments made by Ace readers who like to read gay erotica. Reading about characters who enjoy partaking in sexual acts is interesting because it is so very different from my own thought process. The same way that reading science fiction is fun because I don't get to fly around on a space ship and meet aliens in my day-to-day life. Both sex and spaceships are equally exotic from my perspective. However, if I relate to the character too much, see too much of myself in them, then reading about them having sex can feel strange. Almost as if I am participating in it. This is especially true when the character is female, like I am. Because of this, M/M erotica became a natural safe space. A way for me to enjoy getting into the head of a character who enjoys something I never will, without any risk of relating with them too much on a physical level.

It was great to find that, while not common, I was also not alone in this mindset. Other individuals who identify as Ace also enjoy reading gay erotica for the same reasons I listed above. I just took it a step further and have tried my hand at writing it. Based on the fact that I was picked up by a publisher, I apparently did a decent job as well.

In the end, I decided to sum up the seeming contradiction of an Ace author writing erotica like this. It's like playing the piano. I took piano lessons when I was little, and I hated them. I liked music, and I liked other instruments, but that was not the instrument for me. However, that doesn't mean I don't like listening to piano music, or talking to people who do play, or enjoying one of my favorite books where the main character is a pianist. I can enjoy everything about the piano, I just don't want to play it myself.

So I guess what I'm saying is, sex is like a piano.

This explanation worked for my family, and I hope it helps anyone reading this to understand as well.